I am sitting here letting the song Hey There Delilah by Plain White T’s play in my head while putting my own words into the song because I don’t know the original lyrics…making the song reflect my reality: Hey there Delilah, I’ve been meaning to write you…put my heart on paper, let you know how much you mean to me…because you see we’re falling slowly and I know that we both get lonely when we’re apart, so I hope that we’re never too far because I don’t think that I would last too long without my heart.
He came to love her as she did him. However, the demons of her past prevailed in decreasing his spirit. She protected herself in ways that were not compatible with the sacrificial love that he gave her. She was his Gomer. She multiplied lies and deceitful ways, never opening herself up to him to reveal the woman that she was; accusing him of not knowing her. Yet, they flourished from time to time, reveling in the love that they shared. Differences in opinion were treated as asterisk aberrations that he believed would pass, however, they were unevenly yoked. Their relationship was that of an ox plowing alongside a mule. The emotional labor of one was deadweight in progress for the other, making her natural existence with him subtractive as he gave what she could never replace. The source of their conflict was unknown to her, however, she knowingly assuaged its existence through her seeking refuge in the attention of other men. His degradation was jealousy and insecurity compounded with lies. He was not Hosea and could not submerge himself in the forgiveness of the Lord. Every time he tried, he found himself compounding the pain of her actions.
Pain is what everyone sees when they look into his eyes. So they all turn their heads away when their eyes meet his because they don’t want to make it a shared experience. She is concerned when it is convenient and only seems to keep him around when he is needed. In her mind, she is taking care of her. They both know she is not what he needs…she “is not that girl” is what she tells him whenever he reminds her of the pain that he feels caused by her…and she does not understand what she did. Misunderstanding is mutual while her destructive ways vex him, she does not see why he seems so unsatisfied, why is he always throwing things that were not meant to hurt him in her face. She told him that she was uncertain, that there was nothing stopping her from doing something outside, vindicating herself from her wayward ways…why was he tripping when she never cheated, why couldn’t he be happy with her being there. Why is her personal life so hard for him to handle? Why could he not wait for her to give him what he wants? He would have gotten it if he were patient is what she told him after things fell apart.
He loved Delilah with all that he had…beyond zero…until he had negative nothing, and everyone watched as his world fell apart. He started losing the part of himself that was most vital to his existence. Hollowed out, he walked the earth with a hole in his chest. Empty, jaded, pining for what was lost; inevitably trying to replace what he never had. Like a heroin addict, he was chasing the dragon. Trying to get that first high that he will never experience, never knowing that he never experienced it because he was chasing a dream. And she didn’t even know how much what she did was hurting him, so it was a surprise to her when she saw the pain in his eyes and found herself turning away; not knowing that her turning away was ripping away the little stability that he had left. Not knowing the volatility of their situation. Not knowing that her friendly ways were like playing with fire next to an aerosol factory. They both were oblivious to each others reality, blinded by their own sensitivities. She didn’t like that he made her feel guilty when she did nothing wrong.
The emptiness that defined his mortal existence was becoming visible as the rib that he expected to protect his vitality was fading away. Lies, flirting, the attention she sought outside…the leaving him hanging while she was with her male friends-never taking the time to introduce them, the fact that most of them were guys who she either dated or who wanted to date her…she wasn’t ready to turn her life into theirs…not ready to turn mine into ours…not ready to put him and his needs first. She ran away when he needed her the most, leaving him to fend for himself while fighting for, supporting, and guiding her…she had a selfish love and didn’t even know. She never read the fine print in the mutually beneficial relationship contract…Didn’t peruse the fine lines that indicated that it was her obligation to put in on the relationship…not knowing that her emotional obligation superseded her physical obligation, she never knew that being there was not enough because her man was giving his all with her replacing only a fraction of what was given.
He wanted her to replace what he lost through his sacrifice for her, but she couldn’t…didn’t know where to start. Didn’t know that all it took was for her to let go of her desire for the validation that she sought from men. She did not understand the concept of reciprocity because it transcended her ideal of “just kicking it”, chillin…being friends. Her definition of dating was his definition of “friends with benefits”. Friends. That is what she called him when he met her mother and her male friends. But they were together whenever a female asked. He told her that it makes him weak knowing that they weren’t together, just like she told Skiddy that it makes her weak when she sees him. Her weakness was the need for attention, which was inevitably transferred to him. His willingness to stay decreased when he saw that text message…not regretting looking through her phone. But his naiveté, caused him to let it go. He figured that it was just harmless flirting, making her promise to not let it happen again or at least try. But to no avail and his patience was wearing thin. His trust was being swept away with her evasion of truths through omission. Aversion culminating, while the need for him to receive, what she gave him also grew. His love for her was causing him to be an emotional masochist. His love for her was destroying him as he yearned for more, causing his agony to increase.
Can I cuddle with you? Sure…and he let it go, believing her when she said: I never saw him…why you trippin? It was nice seeing you last night, you make me so weak that I lost my phone…I just found it and wanted to call you: Just old friends catching up. You’re cute, it was nice meeting you: She really didn’t think that, just returning a compliment and was just trying to make a new friend that she met in Dillons. You’re so Hot! I’m sorry, I don’t want to sound like a groupie, I know that you have lots of those… I just want to have your babies. I hope that I get to meet you next time I’m back home: Just innocent flirting, he has a girlfriend. (Can I have a threesome?).. I’m not that kind of girl: He was a good friend, and things are not the same, its weird between us now: I just keep in contact with him and his girlfriend because they asked respectfully.
Hey there Delilah, I don’t know how long you’ll be here, so I’m writing to remind you that I love you beyond what words can say…don’t know that I’ll stay…it hurts all the same. You know that you’re amazing, because, all this time that I am taking to write you in my life…see that I tried. You must have been something, because I stayed past your lies.
This is the song that I sing to myself thinking that you hear it through the arguments, frustrations and misunderstandings.
Sampson.
I loved you with all that I am while you held back. I supported you by making your problems my own, while you left me alone every time that you saw that I was troubled because you said that you did not know how to support me. All I wanted was for you to be there. I have obligations, responsibilities, deadlines, and all the emotional baggage that is attached to everything that I do and that I am…there are times where I am spent, hollowed out by giving my world, all that I am. All that I wanted was for you to fill me up. I never saw, or wanted to see that you never had enough to give to fulfill me. So, I am sorry for losing respect for you for being less than the woman that I wanted to fall in love with. I am sorry for Subjectiying you with the things that hurt me and my fears...causing you to feel accused and objectified. My forgiving you will be my blotting your name from my book of life as the ink of your presence fades and my pain is no longer felt. I will walk alone and accept my lessons learned from you as a blessing meant to increase my faith so that when my final day comes, God will provide me with the strength to cause the walls of the Philistines to fall in Gaza.
Thank you Delilah, for showing me my strength through weakness. For that, I will always remember you.
